I Don’t Know Who I Am And It Scares Me

Two Fridays ago, I was told that I wasn’t going to be working with a particular company. I’d spent the best part of three months meeting with them, sending over summaries of myself, trying to persuade them that I would be a good investment of their time over the next year at least. The lady I’d met with told me that while she really liked me, the company needed to take on people who already knew what they wanted. She told me I needed to have a clear goal; a brand almost, and a lifetime aim that I would select all the future projects I would work on in reference to. I needed a mission statement, a way to summarise myself in 140 characters. As you can imagine, this wasn’t the quite what I’d wanted to hear that afternoon.

Afterwards, I panicked.

I’ll be the first to admit that I was a follower, not a leader, in school. I chose to blend in, preferring to wear what the other girls wore and like what the other girls liked instead of exploring what I actually enjoyed. I didn’t tell anyone I’d started vlogging for fear of them thinking I was looking for attention – people only really found out in sixth form, two years after I’d started. I was desperate to seem cool, whether it was through my clothes, hair or attitude. Even well into university, I was still looking for approval from my friends on what I was wearing and whether it was cool enough. Style, as you might be able to gather, was a big factor in how I viewed myself and others. But yet it wasn’t just their style I was imitating, and once I realised that I was plagiarising my friends and not listening to my own instincts, I realised I had a mountain to climb when it came to knowing who I really was.

Summarising myself isn’t a new idea to me; I’ve been toying with how to approach it for the majority of the past year. I’ve made numerous attempts. Some time in March, and likely coinciding with the realisation that vlogging really was my full time job, I freaked out about how to portray myself as the most brand-friendly, simple-but-complex individual who ever turned a camera on herself. I’ve been trying to work it out ever since, creating many iterations of my “personal brand”. I want to be accessible, and tell the world I like coffee, candles, contouring and concealing. But then I want to be seen as not just another vlogger, so is it worth talking about trip hop and cruelty free beauty, along with my heavily political tweets about social issues and feminism, for fear of alienating not only my audience but also the people who help me make money? And then there’s Banging Book Club, which leads people to conclude I love books and sex (which I do, but they’re definitely not primary interests of mine.) How can someone summarise themselves, their style and their life mission in a couple of sentences?

As if this wasn’t already a large enough metaphorical mountain to climb, I also have to factor in music. Every other subscriber I meet asks when I’m going to release something and I want to tell them, “Soon!” However when I eventually release a song, my brand needs to already be in place and somehow guide me in navigating the complex, traditional world of the music industry where hardly any vloggers have ever broken through and maintained their following in the process. I’m super scared of sabotaging my career by trying to be too many things – can someone really be a vlogger, recording artist, radio presenter and writer in one lifetime? Or, more realistically, in just eight years? Do I even have a future beyond the age of thirty?

I should have warned you that this was melodramatic life crisis central, sorry. I am having a minor meltdown over the whole thing, as you may have gathered.

I really admire people who know who they are. I’ve only really felt like I know myself since perhaps this time last year, and even then the following twelve months were a huge period of change for me. I described the past year as “feeling like tectonic plates were shifting in my life”, and if that gives you any insight it should show just how uprooted my connection with myself was up until very recently. And even through the tectonic plate period, I felt the most connected with myself that I’ve ever been! I feel like I know so much about me, but also so little. So how on earth do I work out a condensed version of who I am in order to guide my career? It’s of great necessity and urgency, and it’s come at a time where I’m not even sure of where I’m at with myself.

I wish this blog post was full of answers, a how-to guide to finding yourself and your “brand” in whatever context that may apply. Unfortunately, I can’t offer that yet. I’m just as lost as the next person when it comes to marketing yourself and projecting an image. But hopefully, after some serious brainstorms and a bit of re-evaluating, I’ll make some progress and begin to understand who I am  – both as “Lucy Moon” but also as just myself.

Do you think you have “found yourself” yet? Do you know what your style is? Can you help me work out who I am? Let me know and help a gal out.

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46 Comments

  1. Sian Bannister
    November 13, 2017 / 8:45 am

    Lucy, you are cool. I look up to your fashion, your attitude, your motives. You inspire people, so you work to be the best you can be all the time – that’s a great trait x

  2. Dipali Patel
    November 13, 2017 / 9:07 am

    I think that maybe you just need to keep moving forward in the way that you are now because as you said, you have been through a lot of change, so maybe you will figure out exactly who you are when you reach a point where you are happy with how far you have come and how things will be going.
    Just keep doing what you are doing! (Unless you want to change it up)
    Lots of love x

  3. November 13, 2017 / 9:10 am

    Sometimes not wanting to be put into a short sentence and a one-to-two-word description is a trait. IMHO, I find it absolutely ridiculous to have to know what you want already – and, or EVER. I think you already know who you are, but feel pressured by companies into thinking that you have to conform, that you have to build this whole branded persona that will never feel 100% you. I say if someone asks you, you can sum up your main interests and passions – after all you’re an open person with many interests which makes you interesting and inspiring because you’re real and not a neatly packaged and decorated box.

    Much love to you, Lucy.

    xx, Hannah

  4. auro
    November 13, 2017 / 9:14 am

    I am an art student and lately last night i had an emotional breakdown on how i was feeling. Even though things seem to be good everything is out of the way for me, i always thought being happy was the main goal but the truth is right now i don’t feel that way. I’m lost, i don’t know who i am, my place in this world, or what i am supossed to do, i don’t have anything clear respect to anything; but until then, i’ll keep on creating.
    Maybe that’s how things are supossed to be for an artist, not being happy as a main goal but being lost, finding ways of creating, because there are still things to say, things to express, finding my palette, beauty, and art in everywhere. I’m sure you can relate to that, just keep on creating.
    Everytime i’m freaking out i repeat this to myself: i’m artful, i’m beautiful, i’m whole.

  5. Iris Marie
    November 13, 2017 / 9:38 am

    I don’t think you have to try so hard to be cool, just being is great! That will bring out the best in anybody, I believe. Also – you seem to have a long-term perspective on most things, which can be good, but it leads to panicking Even more! I’m no expert but my advice would be to lean back and enjoy the moment, focus on the near future, and focus on one thing at a time. Easier said than done, but nobody gets anywhere without trying. Hope you’ll land on both feet soon! Xx

  6. Loes
    November 13, 2017 / 10:31 am

    Hi Lucy,
    From reading this blogpost I feel like you already know who you are, but that others pressure you to like things and be this “super special person”, almost like a character in a movie or a mascot and no one can really be that. Ofcourse it is important to have goals, but they always say “the journey is more important then the top” and maybe you don’t know right now what that top is going to be (just like many people, including me, don’t really know), but you are on your way and will be able to choose the right path I think. What I appreciate in you is how you can express yourself and show all these insecurities, because in the end everyone can relate to this. And that specifically, the relate-ability, helps people (me) to feel better about themselves, so please keep doing what you are doing now! Just as long as you don’t give up you’ll be walking the “path”.

  7. Rachel
    November 13, 2017 / 11:16 am

    Hey Lucy. I’m not sure which company you’re referring to but can I just say, even though you really like them, if they’re trying to put you in a box then they’re not worthy of you and the vast potential you have within you. I know that there is a level of importance placed on brands within this industry but you are a wonderful, complex and multifaceted creative individual. You don’t need to chase people up. Go where this undefinable aspect of yourself is celebrated. As theslumflower so eloquently put- what’s meant for you will wait for you so you don’t need to stress and you don’t need to rush.

    Keep making things that make you happy. 😊💕✨

  8. November 13, 2017 / 11:41 am

    I think this is really unfair of a brand to do this, Personality and interests fluctuate all the time, if you’re able to pin down who you are in one paragraph then I think that’s a bit of a warning sign that you’re a slightly dense human being. People are complex and changeable and advertising the fact that they’re not to sell a brand is quite dangerous because it shows your audience that change can lead to negative consequences (in this case, brands not working with you anymore). You’re 22, everyone this age is in the same boat, we know who we are on the surface but inside, there are endless possibilities of who we can become. One of my favourite parts about your posts and your videos is that you question everything and sometimes have a crisis like any other 22 year old post-grad, but I wouldn’t say that’s all you are. It’ll take you literal years to find that out, just try and enjoy the ride and don’t settle.

  9. Sandra Brown
    November 13, 2017 / 11:43 am

    You are very cool, inspiring and very creative Lucy. Keep moving foward. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep being you and doing you and before you know it you will already ne the person you have always been looking for: Yourself.

    Im rooting for and your evolvement constantly. You got this Lucy; YOU GOT THIS!! ♥️

  10. Mariely
    November 13, 2017 / 11:52 am

    Hi Lucy!

    (much love from Dominican Republic) I can totally relate with getting to know yourself on your early 20’s (I’m 22 myself, so I’m still at it). The past two years of my life have felt like a journey to knowing myself better. I like to think knowing yourself is a long process that takes years (5 to 10 maybe) so describing yourself in 140 characters might be hard right now. What if you build your brand around that? A gal figuring herself out? Or how an influencer builds themselves (kind of getting from where you are to where you’re going)?

    I really enjoy your content because of your personality (I’m not into the beauty and make up side of yt). Maybe concentrating in the kind of content you want out there (yt, podcast, music) short term and long term, could give you an idea on how to sell your brand. Hope this helps x

  11. November 13, 2017 / 12:52 pm

    I’m definitely still trying to find myself. It’s something that takes time and not everyone is gonna help you along the process, but looking back at yourself when you feel you’ve done it is gonna make you smile so hard! So keep going at it, Lucy, you’re gonna get there!!

    elliekblog.blogspot.co.uk

  12. November 13, 2017 / 12:59 pm

    You do you, Lucy. More and more I am finding that the idea of a life mission, or needing to find ourselves is only something we tell ourselves because we think that everyone else has life figured out while we are here drowning in our own insecurities and existential crises. Instead of finding yourself and your brand, just be yourself. Do what brings you joy. Say what you believe needs to be said. That is who you are. That is your brand.

  13. KONSTANTINA KORDONI
    November 13, 2017 / 2:19 pm

    I was always that kind of person that liked too many things and wanted to do different things career wise. They were so many things in my head that i was thinking that surely it’s not possible for a human being to manage to do all of those things at the same time. For example, i love writing, i’m studying Turkish and Asian history which i learned to love this year, i love to sing and i also have a deep love and passion for life couching and pchycology. Even though some of those i have managed to persue and succeed in, some others I haven’t had the courage to do yet. But i really want to, and i question myself if i could do all of those things. I share the same fear as you do but i truly believe that as humans we are as complex as our ”wants” and ”needs”. We are not entitled to be keen on just one thing, we have many interests and we may want to persue all of them. The combination of all of our interest -i guess- is what makes us, us at the end of the day.

  14. Jeevan
    November 13, 2017 / 3:23 pm

    Hey Lucy, I’m a fan from Texas. I completely understand what you’re going through. I’m 23 and still have not even begun to understand myself. I’ve always tried to be the person that my parents, family members, etc. expect me to be, and that’s always caused me a lot of anxiety. So I have no idea who I really am. Until recently I never really asked myself or tried to explore who I am. The only things that really defines me is my anxiety, and my drive to create and write. I’ve also never been good at talking to people. Now, as I’m realizing that I have creative instincts and stories that I want to write and tell in different mediums, it is especially hard for me to break through when there are so many people who are so self confident and can sell themselves and their work much better than I ever could.

    I love how unique your channel is, and love it as it is. However, I also understand that you need money in order to live, and you need to sell yourself in order to get that money. If you don’t know yourself, or how to sell yourself, you can create a series that you know everything about and sell that. You can market a series and all the benefits that it could potentially bring a company. But it has to be something substantial. You need another series on your channel like 168 Hours. The Chatty Get Ready With Me’s are great, but they’re too informal, too insubstantial for branded content. I absolutely love The Sunday Social interviews, but there are too many people with short attention spans to sit through the whole hour. But I still think you should keep the shows to show off your versatility.

    Here’s some ideas: A biography series of some sort relating to your youth or your sister or whoever, like a sweeter, more sophisticated take on a Storytime video? Maybe a company would like to put advertising on a charming, sweet family story or a story with you and your friends? You could also make more 168 Hours videos where you travel to different places. Then you could have companies pay you money to come stay at their hotel or try their product or go to a certain place while you’re in a city. Maybe have a series where you check out clothing stores to try and put together an outfit using clothes from that store? So you could get companies to pay you to come do a video on their store? Or a video about how to do things on a budget (fashion, a night out, etc)? That could give you a lot of possibilities for advertisers. Or you could have a video where you try and learn a hobby or a new skill? That could be fun? I don’t know. They’re ideas that I’m sure other people have done, but I’m sure you could find a way to do them that is unique to you.

    Please take the advice and ideas with a grain of salt, as it’s coming from a guy from Texas with no YouTube experience. But there’s some good ideas there, right?

    I’m just trying to help a fellow creative in crisis.

  15. Jeevan
    November 13, 2017 / 3:32 pm

    I just realized that I wrote about being this great writer and then I immediately made a few grammatical mistakes. Oh the irony. I was rewriting and didn’t go back and check to see if I screwed up.

  16. Lucy Testela
    November 13, 2017 / 3:47 pm

    ”I really admire people who know who they are” Lucy, I used to say and think this way before, in that time I met a whole bunch of people with the same thought and then I realized we never get to know us completely, we’re in constantly change, but being aware of those changes is the key. Expecting that you can write who you are in 140 characters is impossible.
    I don’t think that knowing who you are is the real problem, I think that the real issue is that you have a lot of things you’d like to talk about, -wich is amazing ’cause you’re really passionate- and also including the pressure of fitting everything in.
    Just give you a time to think, to discard and reaffirm your thoughts.
    I wish you the best.
    keep doing things you love without thinking of no one else but you
    -a girl that has been inspired by you a lot.

  17. November 13, 2017 / 4:16 pm

    Well, I believe you can’t really know who you are completely. We are in constant change. We grow, we learn and we make mistakes.
    However, I always said a good way to know who you are when you’re not sure, is finding what you aren’t. Its easier that way. Its easier to find out what you don’t like, what you wouldn’t do and what doesn’t represent you.
    Sorry if I misspelled something !
    Good luck from Argentina !

  18. Lottie
    November 13, 2017 / 4:21 pm

    I think that even though you say you don’t know what your mission statement is and if you can do all you want to, you’re already in a modern job so you’re on the journey instead of like some who are trying to start their journeys. Through working you can find what you think suits you best. You’re still very far away from retirement age so you have a long time to work it out and you’ll be able to. I believe in you.

  19. November 13, 2017 / 4:24 pm

    It’s so hard to know what you want at such young age. I keep my fingers crossed for your future plans! xx

  20. Lauren
    November 13, 2017 / 4:55 pm

    Lucy, thank you so much for being so open and shedding some refreshing light on this subject. As a student halfway through university who’s stressing out in the midst of internship and job searches, I relate to this 1000% and I really needed to hear this right now. I feel like the past year or two has been an enormous period of change for me as well, and I’m finally in a place where I can accept that it’s okay to not know. Even when it feels like everyone else has it all figured out (they probably don’t!), it’s a good reminder to cast away the comparisons and just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing great. Us twenty-somethings are supposed to take this time in early adulthood to explore, discover, and make mistakes while we’re young, and while there aren’t as many higher pressures that older people have when they’re settled. Life has a funny way of working itself out. Just keep believing in yourself! Xoxo, L.

  21. foo
    November 13, 2017 / 5:33 pm

    I’m sorry to hear that the deal didn’t work out. But that’s a step forward. After school it’s been difficult to gauge where I am and how well I’m doing, but for the past year or so I’ve been telling myself that every step is a step forward, whether it’s cleaning up my room and I start by putting a pair of socks away, or it’s an(other) interview that didn’t go well. Every step leads to more experience (I like imagining that harder things give me more experience points, so the more anxious or stressed I feel, the more points I’m getting), and then you can distill as you go along, through purifying and refining yourself. I think finding the self is all about distillation and refinement, but we can’t distill or refine nothing. Refuel and replenish in between things, but as long as you keep at it, you’ll get through this! You’re a strong and smart person, Lucy. Sending good vibes.

  22. Grace Carter
    November 13, 2017 / 8:59 pm

    Amazing post. I feel the same way so often and I it’s becoming more and more clear that having a “personal brand” isn’t just something influencers need. I have been to so many interviews in the past year and they seem to care less and less about your qualifications and experience and more about how you present yourself and your brand. It so frustrating that at 20-something we are supposed to know ourselves so well that we can sum it up in a tweet. The only thing I have figured out so far is deciding what you don’t want to define you (whether that’s an interest or a bad habit or a chronic illness). What I’m trying to say is don’t stress too much no one has their brand figured out at 22-23 and if they do it will inevitably have changed within a year.

  23. letho
    November 14, 2017 / 12:10 pm

    Hi Lucy
    I don’t want to say i can relate because we are in 2 different stages of our lives but i can most definitely empathize. I’m 3 months away from turning 18 and 2 months away from starting my final school year. going into the beginning of this year i felt so sure of myself and the semi-adultish teen i’d developed into. Slowly throughout the year i began to see myself unravel, everything i thought i knew about myself i questioned.Why do i like this? is it because i actually like it or is it because that the person i want to be is suppose to like. Why do i like anything? Very few things i ‘like’ or ‘enjoy’ are because they bring me happiness or joy. i know im relatively young and you know, ‘i still have time to figure it out’, but i feel like im the type of person who changes to their environment. it scares me so much how i felt so secure with who i was at the beginning of this year and it all just changed and i could do nothing to stop it.

    Well enough about me. i don’t think you have to fit yourself into 140 characters, that’s not enough and you’re so much more than 140 characters. However i do have a tip, find your sentence, a sentence that could summarize you goals or a feeling you want to leave behind and i think once you find that sentence, you’ll see who you are.

  24. Akosua Adasi
    November 14, 2017 / 2:49 pm

    I don’t think there’s anyone one person who knows exactly who they are. Some people might have a stronger handle on what they want in a given moment and therefore know how to shape their story, their brand, to that moment. Not all parts of your personality will work with one pursuit or one opportunity. It’s important to accept that there is no one way to define yourself, which seems infinitely frustrating. But don’t expect your musician self to align with your vlogger self or your writer self. Otherwise you dilute the power of each. Hopefully things get a bit easier and you can pursue all the things you want to pursue, whether it looks exactly the way you want or it surprises you

  25. November 14, 2017 / 5:02 pm

    i hate the branding thing, you are an interesting, thinking human, you decided to create art and you have a taste for certain things, people should look at your art for inspiration and at you as a person they enjoy to listen to. Now for the real part, i know how you feel, i never exactly followed others, but i wasn’t a leader either, until i was 16 i changed myself for every person around me, my parents, my “friends”, my classmates my grandparents, every person knew a different version of myself, crafted around themselves, it didn’t matter how much it hurt, it only mattered that others were happy and liked me.I later found out, or rather understood, that nobody actually cared for me, and realized that i didn’t know who i was, it broke me, i spent years hating myself, and trying to build something i could like, now i know who i want to be, i know what i want to do, but i’m lost anyway, like you i’m terrified that even if i find a way to matter, it will last shortly. I don’t really have great advice, i’m still in deep shit, all i can think of saying is don’t fuse yourself with your job, put yourself into your art, don’t be the art itself, i know i have no knowledge about your job, actually any job, but i don’t think selling yourself is a good thing, fuck you’re young, you’re figuring yourself out still, it’s horrible to expect someone in they’re twenties to have everything planned out, i for one have no plan outside of “find a job and move out of my haunting country”. As i said i’m not the one to give advice, but i wish i could help, and maybe even if it doesn’t make it better,i hope this comment can at least make you feel a bit less alone. Also sorry i talk to much ehehe.

  26. John
    November 14, 2017 / 5:07 pm

    I don’t think anybody could summarize themselves in such a short way. I know I couldn’t. I’ve also been worrying about what makes me, me recently, as my interests change and I want to try new things. I think it’s a downside to social media. People are messy and change a lot. I guess it’s the nature of marketing that you have to make it short and snappy and get people’s attention, but there’s nothing wrong with some of the person or the brand not being covered, I think. I would be much more interested in a vlogger that has a wide array of interests than one that does like two things and is all about their ‘personal brand’.

  27. November 14, 2017 / 5:29 pm

    I totally understand where you’re coming from! Putting your whole personality, your whole identity, into a few sentences is extremely daunting and some may say impossible. Humans are complex creatures and we cannot be defined by just a couple of examples.

  28. November 14, 2017 / 5:31 pm

    Hi there Lucy,

    I apologize in advance if this comes across as shitty, generic advice, or if nothing I say makes sense. Your post really hit home for me as I’ve been in a similar situation as you, struggling to figure out who I am and what I’m all about. I was obsessed with fitting in, and didn’t stand out much in high school. I really only came into my “identity” in the last year or so, after I lost who I was in the aftermath of a horrible breakup. I felt like a whiteboard- swiped clean of my identity, and left to start all over again with the marker in my hand. In those years since I “lost” my identity, I’ve discovered that no one really knows who they are. Now, here me out on this. People can appear to have a solid, unwavering sense of who they are, but inside they could be feeling exactly how you do. It’s all about how you present yourself, even if it’s a small shred of who you think you might be. And if you only know and have confidence in one particular part of you, that’s perfectly okay!

    I’ve learned that our self image can be described like a puzzle. Each time you discover something that you like, a skill that you find yourself to be good at, it’s like adding another piece or two into the puzzle. Slowly but surely, we begin to see parts of the bigger picture, and we obsessively try to find every piece in order to complete the image. That ideal is complete bullshit, if you ask me. We shouldn’t be encouraged to know exactly who we are when we’re asked. Life is about growing and evolving. The person you were two years ago isn’t the same person you are today, and the person you are today will be completely different to the person you will be two years from now. Taking life one day at a time in order to reconnect with yourself is sooo important. I cannot stress that enough. If you feel like you don’t know who you are, taking time to do some of the things that you once enjoyed could possibly spark that connection. Whether that’s rereading a book you love, listening to your favourite album, writing about everything you’re feeling- any sort of activity that you can connect back to. If this doesn’t work, then exploring things that you’ve always wanted to try could help fit another piece into your puzzle! Finding who you are isn’t something that can be done in a day. It is a long journey filled with different paths, some leading you to “melodramatic life crises” as you call it. I know it can be scary, but let that fear drive you to discovering who you are. Let it fuel your desire to become who you want to be, regardless of anyone who may be paying attention. You won’t be stuck in this crisis forever, I can assure you of that. As for how long it’ll last, I don’t know. No one really does. I know I said earlier that I’ve come into my identity, and that is true. But I am not complete, nor do I wish to ever be complete. I have only discovered parts of myself that I have confidence in, and am proud to share with the world. I still have many years ahead of me, filled with experiences that will change who I am. And that is perfectly okay with me.

    I’ve learned to enjoy this journey of life that we’re on, and embrace the fact that change is inevitable. If you don’t know who you are right now, Lucy, that’s okay. No one can tell you that you have to summarize who you are in 140 characters. We are more than 140 characters. We are beyond a description.

    I hope that my words can be of some sort of help. Thank you for sharing this post, you made me feel less alone while going through my own melodramatic life crisis.

  29. Winnie
    November 14, 2017 / 5:43 pm

    Hi Lucy,

    Well, I think that if you think about yourself too much you begin to think that you have no idea who you are, and I think it’s completely normal. As humans we either over-complicate or over-simplify. And it hurts us to have to sift through it and truly organize truth from random shitty thoughts because sometimes it’s hard to tell which is which when we’re in our own heads.

    So, just be who you are. You shouldn’t worry about describing that too much. I know that of course earlier in the post you said that you had to describe yourself in 140 characters, and that will be hard. What is that, like an old school character limit for tweets? Yeah, it is. And that’s ridiculous.

    But strangely, you can’t find your identity from what you think. You have to look at what you LIKE, and HOW you think. That’s what makes you who you are. A soul is purposeless without personal interest. That’s the whole concept of free will/independence.

    That’s how you figure out who you are, is through your interests. And if your mindset is unknown, absorb what you enjoy. Eventually, it’ll figure itself out.

    Hope this helps, I’ll be praying for clarity for you!
    -Winnie.

  30. November 14, 2017 / 8:24 pm

    I think the very fact that you wrote a post about these factors that have prompted this crisis is a sure sign that you and only you are lucy moon. The reason why I have been curiously following you for years now, is that you have NOT put yourself into a box like most people do. Instead, you explore things so that you can question them and you seem to really look within yourself to find a comment that is as true to yourself as possible. Again, the answer to who you are lies in this complex post, meaning it is too complex for a brand to gobble up in 140 characters like the next online personality out there. To me, your introspection is what makes you unique. Not your tastes or interests. They are meerly the result of your careful and creative mind.

    • November 14, 2017 / 8:27 pm

      Ive just realised that i have been describing myself here haha. But thats only because you are a work of art, lucy, and you have reflected myself back to me. Thank you.

  31. November 14, 2017 / 9:14 pm

    lucy, wow. this is insanely thought provoking. how do i define myself, where do i place my own worth? i am always known as the smart one since im the crazy chem major who loves calculus 3, and so thats cool, but i dont want to inhale that identity. we are all a myriad of things, but it seems like a grossly rose-tinted john green novel to identify yourself in the mess of delicate adjectives. i think i am the best in myself when i focus on all of the people around me rather than me. trying to be loving and constant and serving, and as an extrovert it doesnt drain me. and obviously since youre trying to build a brand that sort of logic doesnt work/make sense, its just a mess of thoughts. your best asset is yourself and it is everything you do and everything you want to do. its hard to not drown in the messy thought that what you love isnt unique idk how to reconcile that, but i am the only one living this life, my life, and i am so happy and so lucky and its not fate, its not chance its my work and what is destined to happen based on the decisions i dig into stone.

  32. Amanda G.
    November 14, 2017 / 10:57 pm

    I think it’s pretty outrageous to ask someone to know their full self at such a young age. I actually find it quite intriguing that when I look at my vlogs from only a couple months ago I find myself looking at a stranger.

    We are always learning and changing and adapting. I think as creatives we are chameleons. Picking up and dropping hobbies, diving into certain styles then enjoying an entirely different aesthetic not so long after.

    I think if that’s what this company wanted from you, it probably isn’t the right one for you. I wouldn’t try to stuff yourself in a box, as you will only stunt your growth.

    Wish you the best xx

  33. November 15, 2017 / 12:13 am

    Dear Lucy,

    We obviously do not know each other, and we’re not friends, otherwise I would have called you to get coffee during your crisis. However, I think that I can say from what I’ve read that you’re sincere and you’re confortable with letting the world know that you, as many of us, have insecurities. I want to tell you that it’s okay, you don’t need to have all the answers, nobody came with an instructions manual. But this is not a bad thing, it’s something great actually, if you really think about it.. you have the freedom to be whoever you want, at whichever moment/phase/age you’d like. Many times, it is easier to point out the things you don’t like about yourself that the ones you do. Don’t let these things (negative thoughts/critics) destroy the person you have the potential to become, instead work on the things you’d like to change (the ones you can change). This, I promise, will help you figure out not only who you are but the type of person you want to become.

    Best of luck!

  34. Guy Thwaites
    November 15, 2017 / 12:27 am

    You always seemed to have your identity very much together. It comes as a surprise to me that you don’t know yourself, when you seem to be overflowing with personality from the perspective of others. This being said, you’re not the first YouTuber to come out with something like this: Emma Blackery said something similar a few months ago.

    If i might play “armchair psychologist” for a moment, it seems to be common that, when you’re often projecting to an audience, you blur the distinction between “self” and “persona”. One might say that vlogging is almost method acting; you play an exaggerated version of yourself. However, eventually – as you grow as a person – you retain the persona, and your actual personality become buried under a static facade. Even before YouTube, it sounds like you did much the same thing when emulating your peers.

    I’ve always been blessed with knowing more-or-less who i am (although i’d struggle to describe myself if put on the spot). As an Enneagram Type 5, i’ve always had a detached, independent streak. I’ve never been vulnerable to peer pressure (although i’ve tried to avoid undue negative attention), and i’ve always tried to be unique. I’ve never seen the point of trying to be like everyone else, because you only live once and i’d like to always be known for something.
    Even as a child i was never satisfied having, say, the same toy as everyone else; i’d always get a different one, even if it was only second-best. While it’s very important to be socially aware, one must always also be a little aloof in order to maintain a distinction between oneself and everyone else. You fear losing yourself to the mood without a little detachment.

    You’re a confident person, and you seem – to an outsider like myself – to be very well-liked by others. You needn’t fear judgement. Find things you like independent of other people, and focus on alone time (even if you need the company of others to recharge). Write down and isolate the things which separate you from your friends and peers. Make notes of your accomplishments, likes, and dislikes. It will train you to keep an eye on who you are and how you think, and hopefully you’ll be able to condense such newfound knowledge into any other arbitrarily-short self-description boxes which future employers ask you to fill out.

    You’ve got a bright future ahead of you, i know it. Your videos are fantastic and you’re very likeable. I hope to see the fruits of your labour in your future content, and i hope things all work out the way you want them to.

    Look after yourself, be true to yourself, and aim high.

  35. “life is not a race, but a shot on target: what counts is not the saving of time, but the ability to find a centre” It’s a quote from one of my favorite novel about this topic “Follow Your Heart by Susanna Tamaro.” please try to read it, i think you will find some answers there.

    – sorry i have deleted my lonnnnnng comment, i think you will not find enough time to read all these comments. i live in a similar situation By the way. i wish u goof luck.

  36. Soraya youseesaf
    November 15, 2017 / 9:52 am

    It sounds like you do have distinct interests, a distinctive style, taste in music etc, but you just don’t know how to summarise it. Or if I’m wrong, maybe you change a lot over time / are more fluid in your interests.
    If it’s the prior, then maybe you could do a big brainstorm / spider diagram thing of anything you can think of that “makes you you”. Then you can look at it and kind of think, okay, do any of these things group together? Which bits should I keep for the summary? Also, you could get your friends to do the same thing for you.. they could do a list of things they think are what “makes you you”.
    If it’s the latter, then maybe That is what makes you you! There are only a few interests I have that are really fixed. The rest is all over the place. The rest depends on who I am hanging out with, what time of year it is; all sorts! And that quality is something that makes me me. A bit of a chameleon I guess 🙂

  37. November 15, 2017 / 10:20 am

    I’ve needed to read something like this for a while now. After finishing school with pretty average grades (much below what was expected from me) and not getting into the university of my choice, I have been felling so lost and like a disappointment. For the past 2 months I’ve been very lonely as all of my friends have either moved to uni or got a job (which I have also failed to do) and I just feel like I have no purpose anymore. This has all lead me to obsessively think about who I am, what I want in life and what the hell I’m going to do, which is why I started my blog.
    I, like you at school, have never been open about my love for youtube and social media in fear of people not understanding that its more than just posting pretty pictures and makeup tutorials, but also about building a community and showing your creativity. So I’ve found what I want to do with my life, the problem now is getting there. I know it will take time, but I’m finally excited about something and can’t wait to begin.

    Thanks for this post, it made me feel less alone xx

  38. November 15, 2017 / 10:24 pm

    I have never felt like I knew who I was. Like you, I just sort of went along. I was a bit of a loner and also easily persuaded by others when I was young. I never went to university after high school, I worked as a cashier instead. I went to college at 21 and then got married. The marriage was the only thing I was certain about. I just wanted any job, so I took a legal secretary course. I worked in various corporate careers until this September, when I finally, at 27, started university. And now I know what I like (history), but I feel like I’m in classes full of strangers because I got so used to pleasing people at my job, I knew what they expected of me. It was easier. I think we all are just trying to figure things out, all the time, always. It will come for you soon – your next step. But you are allowed to be a multifaceted person. And maybe it’s best that you aren’t tweet-able. I think that says more about who you are – you are multi passionate, talented, creative, undefineable.

  39. Write.Mirage
    November 16, 2017 / 12:28 am

    I think everyone is just a combination of people they like. Your never 100% someone else, but you take bits and bobs and then mixed all together that’s you. The idea of finding yourself is weird to me- I think the truth is that as a person we are always changing. Over this past year I’ve only just begun coming to terms with it. I am changing as a human being. My personality is not set in stone, but instead as I learn I change and so do my set personality traits. Things like personality tests only make it worse for me- when something changes year to year I always felt like I must be weird. But what helps most is being happy within myself. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, but I finally feel like I’m here now and it feels amazing, and I’m hoping it stays that way.

  40. Rachel
    November 16, 2017 / 9:03 pm

    I’m 23, and I can honestly say I still haven’t found myself. From the post, it seems as if you almost put too much pressure on yourself to try and fit yourself into one box, or at least ‘a few sentances’. You might be able to describe a section of yourself within such a little amount, like how you are as a vlogger, as a musician, as a friend or as a family member, but as an individual and a human being, you are more than only a few sentances.

    It probably doesn’t help how who you are as a person is in constant change, as you can probably tell that you are different to who you used to be within the previous years or even months, and even if these events will be able to mould you into who you will be in the future and you’ll be able to grow as an individual because of it. If you did have a label, your label would be in constant change too, but as a human being as a whole, you are more than just a label, so you shouldn’t feel like you have to fit into a box that you may feel is limiting or simply not completely for you.

  41. Erin
    November 18, 2017 / 6:17 pm

    For most people, finding out who you are and defining the difference between that and who you want to be is a life long journey and takes time. It’s better to work your way through this rather than push yourself to be a statement.

  42. November 20, 2017 / 8:55 am

    Does anyone truely know who they are? We are always growing and everyday we learn something new about ourselves we didn’t know yesterday. People have an idea of who they are, but for me, I think we are always evolving and with evolving comes new things we want to interpret which may not fit in to what we thought. The thing with life is, there is no real rules on who you should be. You might want to be one person one day and then next reinvent yourself to be someone new. We’re all in this crazy exploration of ourselves and life together. Goals are good, but not essential to be happy. I mean just being happy is a goal in itself. There’s no rush into knowing exactly who you are and what you’re doing and where you’re going. It’s an adventure. Enjoy it. I don’t know who I am, and I’m happy with that. I take it as it comes, and if I’m unhappy I change something. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to think everyone has their shit together and you don’t. Because you have your shit together in your own way. So own it, and you do you. Whatever you want you to be 🙂 ride with it.

  43. November 20, 2017 / 11:48 am

    I understand your struggle.

    I made business cards a few short months ago. It was a nightmare trying to fit my skills, my website and the bands I play in on a tiny card. I actually left a number of details off because there wasn’t room. Since then, I’ve added youtube into the mix, and really should have that on my business card.

    I think I’ve just given into the idea that my personal brand will be complex and weird, like me. I’m not going to try and tame it because that’s not who I am.

    I’m not going to say you must “do this thing” but I will say as someone who enjoys you’re content, and has a lot of experience making content in different forms; if you enjoy what you’ve made, so will your audience. This apply’s to things that don’t fit within what you know as “your brand”.

  44. November 21, 2017 / 12:30 am

    See now I’m quite glad that I don’t have a strict handle on who I am, it’d just make me feel limited, to be honest. I like that I don’t just have one goal. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I think it’s great to have a life that goes down different avenues. So when people ask me what my main goal in life is, I simply say that I could never just have one. I have many, and I would never be able to define myself by either one, or puy myself into any box. So I think it’s wonderful to always be exploring who you are. The day I think I know everything about myself will be the day that I stop exploring. And a sad day that’ll be.

  45. November 21, 2017 / 7:52 pm

    I’ve had similar experiences. I love the creative arts (basically any medium) a lot and after some years people really started to see me as ‘the creative girl’ (which is in itself of course not a bad thing), but at a certain point I felt this “reputation” was going beyond me: I am not ONLY ‘that creative girl’, I am not the same as my hobbies, or my humor, or my style. But what am I if all those things do not complete my persona? This question I still cannot answer, but what I do know is this: never take for granted how others see you, the complexity of a human being should be celebrated, not summarised! Of course I understand that this is a difficult subject matter in case of branding or the shaping of a corporate identity, but it’s a good quote to remember on moments like these! I hope you’ll see this one day, but for now just the best wishes! X

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